Both Are True

I was reading an essay out loud to myself and blew my own mind with how much I loved one of the pargraphs. This was a new feeling and one I’m trying to get better at noticing, so I went back a few days later and tried to analyze it, to understand why I liked it. Here’s that analysis:

It feels less alive now, which makes me realize: I don’t really want to understand it. I want to just let it live, as it is. Trying to understand this stuff is like trying to understand how music works. Why does it work. I asked Lauren that once and never understood the answer, thank god.

I do not want to know.

Well, some part of me does. The manager part? The boss? The ‘master’ left brain? But what it does not realize is that I already do know. The other part of me does. The ’emissary,’ the right brain, the one that, right on cue, every time, says “2, 3, 4, BAM” so the “BAM” hits at the same exact moment as it does in the song, like i’m some sort of wizard, predicting the future, every time, right on cue!

Sometimes I’ll do that and then think “oh man I could definitely be a musician,” which is both insane and probably true.

Those are the best kinds of thoughts. The ones unpreturbed by reality and its discontents.

I want more of those. Here comes one now, with the beat,

2 3 4 BAM.

hiiii

re: these two lines in my writing: the drive there was fine. the time there was magical. There is a voice in my head that comes from one of my teachers - ‘i can’t picture magical…what does that look and smell and taste like?’ and to that voice i must say, idk! it’s magical! that is what it looks and smells and tastes like! words are carriers of meaning and feeling and so much else. their power comes in our having, simultaneously, a shared and unique understanding of them. ...

with context etc

i find myself having a little anger or something about there not being more ’engagement’ with my post yesterday. it was such a banger, i’m telling myself. i deserved it. there’s something so interesting there. the feeling of deserving something, of not getting my due? or getting what i was owed? of there being something wrong. of me being wrong as a reuslt. from where does your value come? this is the real question. ...

idk!

I want to share a mini breakthru I had yesterday at c4c when Nate told me “we just want to see how you think” we’d just finished a session on APIs and how to connect to stuff on the internet and i could tell that it hadn’t landed as well as I’d wanted, likely because there was a whole code for creatives API demo I chose to skip in the middle? or maybe it did land and i just have no idea? ...

but at least i’m here, writing. that feels really, really good. and new, because i haven’t been doing it. i was going to say ‘haven’t been able to do it,’ like i’m not the one making these decisions, which feels true, sometimes, yet very silly, now, to say. of course i decide. that’s the whole thing. every question is the same question: does free will exist? the answer, though, is tricky. it’s both yes and no, depending on the situation and how we feel about it. ...

I keep coming back to this idea of “alive software,” which I think is software that’s…well, alive, lol. Basically that means software that’s updating itself in real time based on how it’s being used. There’s a couple layers i see to this - one that’s simple and one that’s not. simple aliveness I’m building this orchestrator tool for all my claude code sessions called Boo. It’s a fork of Ghostty, hence the boo. ...

One post. That’s all it took. And now I want to write about everything. To every tiny idea or thought, my brain replies with “that’s a blog post.” I love that. I’ve missed that. And all it took was one little post: with a little help from my friends: and the clog is unclogged. Not that it was clogged. But sort of? More that it was briefly forgotten. Who cares. I am not here to diagnose the problem like some inspector with a clipboard. I’m here to celebrate the lack of one. ...