null value

i find myself having a little anger or something about there not being more ’engagement’ with my post yesterday. it was such a banger, i’m telling myself. i deserved it.

there’s something so interesting there. the feeling of deserving something, of not getting my due? or getting what i was owed? of there being something wrong. of me being wrong as a reuslt.

from where does your value come? this is the real question.

or maybe its more: are you using what happens out there in the world as a way to find value. accrue value. that word - accrue. yuck!

man…yea. i don’t know. i feel like i need to be keeping a ‘value log’ or something to see where, during the day, am i deriving my value from? like right now, do i feel like i have value?

when i think about that, a black hole appears. like that’s not really something you’re allowed to ask. or it makes no sense to ask, like asking ‘what’s 2 + cheese?’

the answer to that btw is 2 cheese.

but the answer to this is…NULL. there is nothing there.

there is no value until something else happens.

that alone is sorta profound because its a bit spooky and not really how i want to live. i want to have value now. and now. and now. or feel valuable. or feel like i matter.

‘have value’ is also weird. like its something you have a bucket of and carry around. is that how value works?

i wonder how thinkers have explored these questions in the past.

this is when i’d reach for AI. I’m gonna do it now.

I find there to be nothing that weird about that…though maybe I should also or in addition ask some friends. that’s what the guy who wrote “https://shawnsmucker.substack.com/p/please-use-ai" this would say. I’m mad at that guy, but he might be right, which makes me even more mad.